RESOLVING MARITAL CONFLICTS
In my part of the world in Africa, many women remain in
their marriage even when they experience hardships and unpleasant experiences
arising from the marriage.
For most of them, they remain because the society
rarely allows separation but encourages the woman to bear with the husband’s shortcomings.
Again for the women who rely on their husbands for
sustenance, the thought of suffering if they were to separate from the union
keeps them in the marriage and so they endure.
On the other hand, in Europe and North America, the
women rarely tolerate difficulties in marriage. The society ensures the
divorced woman obtains generous alimony payments from the providing husband
even when the man is unwilling to do so.
Whether it is in Africa, Europe or North America,
conflicts abound in marriages for various reasons. For some, money is the major
reason. For some, it is an unfaithful spouse and for some, it is issues arising
from extended families, raising kids, and even upbringing in their respective
families.
The issue of upbringing is key because the man and the
woman come from separate backgrounds raised in very different ways by their
parents and so when they come together in marriage, these differences can be a
source of major conflict.
The man does not understand why the woman keeps nagging
over behaviours he is used to from childhood while the woman cannot fathom why
the man is upset over an action that ordinarily is not frowned upon in her own
family.
For instance, a friend
of mine told me just yesterday how his wife would flare up at him for not apologising
to her whenever she sneezed and it came to him as a shock because he was not
used to doing it.
What he learnt to do was
to observe and whenever she sneezed, he would tell her “sorry for the rest of
day” and of course she wouldn’t like that.
I have also heard during
my pre-marriage class teaching in church how a married couple almost separated
because of a tube of toothpaste!!
One spouse was from a
family background where the toothpaste tube was depressed at the back while the
other was from a background where it was depressed from anywhere and this difference
caused a major quarrel between them.
It was a reverend
gentleman who gave each of them a tube of toothpaste to depress however they
were used to and that ended the conflict. A simple solution it was but it had
caused a major conflict at home.
A marriage that does not
have God and the reverential fear of God as the foundation is bound to have
major conflicts that would ultimately lead to separation and divorce.
The first step towards
resolving marital conflicts is to understand that without the Lord Jesus
Christ, you can do nothing successful on your own.
You MUST invite Jesus
into your home through prayer as a family and engage in the daily study of His
Word in the Holy Bible. When you do, you will recognise that certain behaviours
are unacceptable as far as God’s commandments is concerned.
When you do this, the
Holy Spirit of God will guide you through any challenge you encounter as a
couple.
The woman must be submissive
to her husband who is the head of the family as a service to the Lord as God
has commanded in Ephesians 5:22-24.
The man must love the
wife as Christ loves the church and gave His life for it as commanded in verses
25-27 of the same chapter of Ephesians.
The man must also love
his wife as he loves himself as further required by God’s law in Ephesians
5:29-28.
The woman must never
wait for the man to love her first before submitting. The man must never wait
for the woman to submit before loving her.
You MUST play your own
role as God has decreed in His Word and you must also understand that we are
all accountable to God for obedience or disobedience to His commandments.
You must never take any
decision when you are angry at your spouse for a wrong doing because you may
regret your action later. You must wait until you cool down and then think over
the matter in line with God’s expectations and commandments in His Word in the
Holy Bible.
As a couple, you must
understand that you are from different backgrounds with varied upbringing so
you must tolerate each other’s shortcomings.
You MUST pray as a
family and you MUST pray for each other and you MUST never antagonise each
other in public or in front of relatives or your children as that can be a
source of conflict.
Above all, you MUST fear
God and never ever entertain the thought of separation or divorce because God
hates divorce and will never accept it no matter the circumstances.
God’s Word is clear on
this in Malachi 2:13-16.
Dear friend, please note
that this message is for a man and woman in the real sense of the word who are
properly married before God in the Church.
If as you read this you
are not yet a Christian but living with a man or woman without proper marriage,
it is strongly advised that you first regularize your spiritual status with the
Lord Jesus Christ and then regularize your marital union as God requires in His
Word.
It is not too late to do
this because you are still alive and have the time to do so. Don’t make excuse
about not having the resources because Jesus Christ will provide when you call
upon Him sincerely to help you resolve the financial challenge.
Jesus Christ loves you
as well as any other person and He wants us to live right before Him always. So
come now to Him and do the right thing before it is too late, which is when one
dies and leaves this world.
When you do this, then you
can be sure of a happy marriage with godly children as fruits of the union.
May the good Lord bless
you as you heed His Word today, act on it and share with others in Jesus’ Most
Merciful Name, Amen.
Gabriel Ama.
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